On a casual first watch, the How I Met Your Mother gang seem like friendship goals - and roommate goals! Marshall, Lily, and Ted have known each other and lived together for years, and they are still best friends. They have the kind of apartment that twenty-something New Yorkers dream of: a huge space with plenty of room for friends and parties (and a phonebooth, and a goat, and…), above a cool bar where they always drink with their friends. What could be better?
Well, quite a bit could be better, once you actually start to look past the laugh track and consider what living with these crazy kids would actually be like. Despite their close friendships, everyone in the gang has been pretty terrible as a roommate over the years. From destroying things to a total lack of consideration, personal space, and privacy, the Maclaren’s crew are actually the kind of people that we might want to live very, very far away from.
Ted: Threw A Massive Party When Marshall Had A Paper To Write
Marshall’s long-held dream is to become an environmental lawyer and save the world… and you would think that his friends and roommates would support that. Which they do, up until the point that being utterly unsupportive might lead to someone getting laid. Back when Ted first met Robin, rather than just asking her out, he decides to throw a party and invite her, to keep it ‘casual’ (because nothing says casual like throwing a party just to spend time with one person). However, when she can’t come, he keeps it going… for two more nights. Throwing a three-day rager just to impress a girl is bad enough as roommate behavior, but this was all happening as Marshall became more and more upset because he had a big paper to write for law school.
Robin: Broke The Oven The Night Before Thanksgiving
This is actually a double-whammy, because not only did Robin break the oven the night before Thanksgiving, when Ted had a whole big meal planned… but she did it because she was getting drunk with Ted’s ‘arch-nemesis’. In fact, Ted had actually left the bar and gone to bed early, specifically so that he would be ready for his big Thanksgiving day, but he woke up to hungover friends all over the apartment, and the last person in the world that he wanted to see sleeping in his bathtub. As far as being considerate to a roommate who just wanted to make a nice holiday dinner for everyone, that’s pretty low.
Ted/Barney: Used The Apartment As A Bar
Throwing a big party is one thing, but (on more than one occasion, in fact), Ted and Barney have turned the apartment into a bar - with a cover charge and everything. The more memorable time, they named the bar Puzzles, and invited everyone (yes, everyone, including total strangers) up there on New Year’s Eve.
Admittedly, it was Ted’s apartment, so if he was willing to risk total strangers in his house, Barney using his bedroom as a ‘VIP area’ for himself and pretty women, and an impressive number of things being broken and thrown up on (not to mention the possible legal ramifications of an unlicensed bar), that’s up to him. But as a roommate? Yikes.
Lily: Used Barney’s Apartment (Without Permission) To Pump
Technically, Lily and Barney weren’t roommates at this point, although that did happen (during which Lily basically took over the apartment, decorated it, and even slept in Barney’s bed). However, Lily has to get bonus bad-roommate points for literally breaking into her friend’s apartment without permission, in order to pump when she was breastfeeding. When Barney came home during this, at one point, it’s also worth mentioning that she didn’t fess up or say she thought he wouldn’t mind. She hid. Because she knew that what she was doing was a violation of his privacy and wasn’t cool.
Robin: Smoked Inside
Now, if everyone in the apartment said it was ok, and the building was one that allowed it, this could potentially sneak past the bad-roommate judges. However, that’s not the case. In an episode where fans (and the kids) found out that everyone in the gang smoked at one point, Robin was seen smoking in the living room while doing yoga.
Ted got angry with her, not just for smoking inside, but because it seems that Robin couldn’t even just sit down to indulge her bad habits, she would smoke constantly, and actually set the carpet on fire at one point. That’s not just being a bad (and smelly) roommate, that’s risking an apartment fire!
Lily/Marshall: Had Sex In The Same Bunk Bed As Ted
This one takes us all the way back to when Ted and Marshall were roommates in college, and Marshall and Lily first consummated their relationship. While it’s pretty normal for college students to have sex in their dorm rooms (and to deal with the intricacies of managing that in a bunk bed), it’s general policy that the other bunk bed inhabitant not be in it at the time. Or in the room, at the time. It’s where the ‘sock on the door’ cliche comes from! Not for Lily and Marshall, though, who are seen in a flashback getting it on while Ted sleeps in the other bunk… or at least, pretends to sleep, before asking them to please not do that again.
Robin: Is Generally A Slob
As well as all the big stuff, there are some day to day reasons that we wouldn’t want Robin as a roommate… mostly that she seems to be a total slob! Despite the fact that when she lived on her own, her place looked nice and clean, when she moves in with Ted, we learn all those annoying little habits… like never taking out the trash. Or not buying new milk (and, the real crime here, putting the empty carton back in the fridge). Sure, these may be little things, but there were enough of them that Ted nearly kicked her out, until they came up with the ‘brilliant’ plan of using sex to avoid arguments.
Everyone: Used Each Other’s Toothbrush
Roommates might be happy to share clothes, chores, and even the leftovers in the fridge, but there are some lines that just shouldn’t be crossed: sharing a toothbrush. Admittedly, this turned out to be a mistake, but an impressively disgusting one. It seems that when Marshall and Ted lived together, they both thought that the one toothbrush in the bathroom was theirs.
And, because it’s (somehow) less gross to share the toothbrush of a romantic partner, both Robin and Lily also joined in the shared toothbrush. Gross, and also begs the question; who walks into a bathroom, sees a toothbrush that they didn’t put there, and somehow thinks that it is theirs?!
Quinn: Re-Decorated Barney’s Apartment In Hello Kitty
Barney’s apartment gets the bad roommate treatment again, this time when his girlfriend, Quinn, was mad at him. Admittedly, she had a solid reason: they had got into an argument, and instead of discussing it like adults, Barney left town. As ‘revenge’ (because Quinn is hardly the model grown-up in this situation either), Quinn redecorates his entire apartment in neon pink, flowers, and Hello Kitty toys. Impressive, given the cost and effort she put into it, but hardly what you would want from a roommate!
Everyone: Somehow Managed To Damage It Everywhere
At one point, it seemed that everyone would move out of the main apartment (although that didn’t happen), which led to a healthy debate about how to deal with the damage deposit - or if that deposit would ever be returned, given that they seemed to do a solid job of trashing the place over the years. Some of the incidents mentioned include trying to put too much on a set of shelves, causing them to fall down and tear the plaster off the wall, swinging a flail around and taking a chunk out of the ceiling, and scorching the wall when an Intervention banner was set on fire. These are not the roommates you are looking for!
